5 Reasons Why Dating At 40 Is Difficult

I just turned 40 years old last November. However, I look in the mirror and, aside from the stray gray hairs and laugh lines (much nicer to say than "wrinkles") around my eyes and mouth, I still look much the same as I did when I was in my early 20's.

Me at 40yo

Me at 25yo

I have been divorced now for over 15 years and have tried dating off and on for about 10 years. I even managed to have one long term relationship during that time that lasted 5 years.

But.....

Dating is hard! Here are my top 5 reasons why dating is difficult at 40. 

1. At 40 years old, most days you just don't give a shit. Now that's not to say that I don't care about what I look like or how I dress. What I mean by that is that I'm not as uptight as I used to be. Do I still wear makeup? Sometimes. If I do, it's usually only a bit of blush and some lip gloss. At 25 years old (as you can see from the picture above), I usually had a full mask on - foundation, blush, eyeliner, shadow, mascara, lipstick. Nowadays? Not so much. And, if I happen to go to the store in pajama pants and a t-shirt? Well, that's okay. I don't feel the need to have to impress anyone anymore. 

2. At 40 years old, your expectations are very different. When I was younger, I had a long list of what I expected from a young man. What I have figured out since then is that I am content with my situation, even if I am not part of a couple, which means my expectations on a date are different than what they used to be. When one is young and dating, you are thinking "future". Is he "the one"? How will he treat our children? Can he be a good step dad? Is he a workaholic or lazy or something in between? So, it's not so much my expectations of HIM that have changed, but rather, the expectations I have for MYSELF. If I have a car, why do I need a guy that has one? If I have been a good parent to my children, why do I need a step-parent to mix it up? I can't have kids anymore, so that's a null issue. So, it's not that my desire to be part of a couple is any different, but rather that I don't NEED to be part of a couple. I'm okay with who I am and with being alone. 

3. Men who age gracefully versus not so gracefully. Okay, this one is a bit...vain. I occasionally go on some online dating websites to see what is out there. I am also a person that, although I am okay with being older and having some grays and laugh lines, I do want to age gracefully. So, I will admit that I still dye my hair (which I've been doing since I was in my 20's), and cut it in a more "youthful" fashion. What I'm disappointed in is the pool of available men around my age, or a little bit older, that look like my father (who is 85 years old this year). I'm not saying that you have to look 30 if you are 40 or 45, but, why rush to look 70, if you are only 40? 

4. At 40 years old, some people are still in their first marriages. Yes, I married quite young. I had my children quite young (I had my first daughter when I was only a tender 18 years old). When I moved back to Michigan 8 years ago and met up with all my old friends from school, I was one of maybe 3 or 4 other women who had had children around the same time. I was also one of the only ones divorced. So, most of the men that I knew growing up were all attached with small children and families. Most of my female friends also had spouses and small children. Here I was, a "young" divorcee, with teenage children (almost young adults). The prospective pool of potential suitors is narrow, at best. And, if you read number 3 above, you have probably figured out that I don't really go for the "much older" man. 

5. At 40 years old, what do you talk about on a first date? This is the main reason why I don't date. I've been on plenty of dates before and they all begin the same: what's your name? What do you do? Where did you go to school? Do you read? Do you like the outdoors? Do you have any pets? This is all well and good, but after 10 dates, each one then begins to feel too much like a job interview. I've joked with friends that I was going to start making applications which I would then have the perspective partner fill out, just to get over all the same questions that everybody always asks. Either way, the repetition is tedious, and if you find you like the other person and you hang in there for 3 months or so, but it doesn't work out...well, back to the drawing board! To find another, to ask the same questions all over again....sigh. My Dating Ground Hog Day! 

Happy Hunting - I mean, Dating! 

Picture Activity Schedules Aren't Just for Kids With Autism

When I was only 25 years old, I was a young, divorced mother of three beautiful girls, attempting to manage my own home, career, and life. My kids were my life (and they still are), but at the time, it was straight HELL trying to manage all the multiple issues of life, work, and parenting that come with having a young family.  For the most part, I didn't do too horribly (a quick survey of my children will either corroborate or contest that), and at that time, I had some "tricks and tips" that I came up with to help manage my busy life and busy schedule.

My girls and I in 1999

This past year, in my college classes, I participated in an Honors Thesis program for the Psychology department. During two full semesters, I was paired with a wonderful mentor, Jenny Ward, who was working on a project regarding children with autism and picture activity schedules. 

Jenny and I

What the heck are picture activity schedules and what the heck does that have to do with your kids, Lisa?

Well, it's funny you should ask. Picture activity schedules are graphic representations of different steps in an activity that help a child with autism perform that activity with little to no prompting. The great thing about picture activity schedules is that you do not need to have autism to use them, and, unbeknownst to me, when I was a young 25 year old mother of three, I created and used a version of picture activity schedules with my own children, without realizing that is what they were. 

Here's how it went down: I began using them around 1999. I had a 7 year old, a 5 year old, and a 4 year old. I worked a (more than) full time job, which typically had me working from home, even after I had finished my day at the office. Every week day morning, I would get up at approximately 4:30 am to get my children's clothes ready for the day and get myself ready. By 6:45 am, everyone had to dressed, washed, teeth brushed, hair combed, and waiting by the door with bags and lunches, to get where we needed to be on time. Wow! I'm sure you are exclaiming. That's really early! Yes, yes, it was. Thankfully, I was a very energetic 25 year old and could get up that early without too many aches and pains. However, it did not seem very logical to me to get up so early, only to turn around and go to bed by midnight, sleep four and a half hours, wake and do it all again. Besides, it was extremely tedious and eventually grew very exhausting. So, what did I do? I created picture activity schedules for my children.

Here is a sample of what one looked like: 

Tooth brushing Picture Activity Schedule

I had something similar to this posted in the bathroom. There was another one for getting dressed in their bedrooms, along with one for making the bed. 

These little posters were such time savers for me and my girls. If they had any question as to what they needed to do, I directed them to the posters littered throughout the house. 

Now, these are different from the picture activity schedules used with children with autism today. As many of these children, especially the more severe cases, have trouble reading, writing, and even speaking, the picture activity schedules they use are typically only pictures, with little to no words written on them. Such as this sample here: 

Picture Activity Schedule for a boy with autism - tooth brushing

But, my point is that it works in much the same fashion. 

For me, these things were a lifesaver. Rather than have to explain to my children every 5 minutes what I needed them to do, I would say "what does the tooth brushing picture say?". Even the two younger ones were able to, if not read what was written, then at least reference the picture and deduce that it was time to brush their teeth. 

I must have been doing something right, when it came to those rough mornings, because my kids are all still alive and kicking, and one of them even made me a grandmother! 

My girls and I in 2012

My beautiful grandbaby :)

When A-B-C Isn't Part Of The Alphabet

For the past three years, I have been working in the mental health field. This is also where I've decided to lay my hat, in terms of my higher education. I have always thought this strange, as my longest employment was with a company in which I worked mostly with computers and information systems, not so much with people. My drastic decision to enter a new field has not been without much heartache, headache, and stress. It is very difficult to determine where to go in your life, and when you finally think you have the "right plan", you still have to experience the head butts, mistakes, and overall disappointments that come with starting something new and strange. Such is this new part of my life.

But, there is something that I am thankful for. All the wonderful people that I have met; both those that I've worked with, and those that I've worked for. Although many people will discount psychology as one of the "soft sciences", it is, nonetheless, a science. If science is the "systematic knowledge of the physical or material world gained through observation and experimentation" as described by Dictionary.com, then the human condition is the most complicated aspect of science there is, and psychology, for me, has been an excellent way to make greater sense of my world and the people in it.

However, learning about human behavior is no easy task. What is even more difficult is making sense of others who have learned these principles, and yet, only apply them to one aspect of their lives. For example, I have worked in a location where the majority of the employees have a degree or are in process to obtain their degree, in Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA). What is this weird thing, you ask? It is the aspect of psychology that (to sum it up) states that our behaviors are governed by consequences and that when rules are applied, future behaviors can be changed using this same principle. In other words, we all do things because the end result (the consequence) either rewards us or punishes us for doing them. Okay. I get that. I have experienced in my own life times when choices I have made resulted in not-so-great results, and I ended up not repeating those choices. The great thing about ABA is that it is quantitative, meaning that you can look at empirical data that has been collected, plot it on a graph, and "see" something. Other social sciences, such as sociology, base their conclusions and theories on more qualitative data, meaning that its more about how people "feel", which is really difficult to quantitatively measure, and what conclusions can be drawn from all aspects of human behavior (not just those things that can be observed and measured). At least, that's my take on it. But, back to my issue: I've worked with these folks that have received the same learning as I have. And, although I am not a huge advocate of ABA (I think that many times, the feelings and emotions and internal thoughts we experience have a larger part to play in our behavior and those things are not observable. ABA does not place a lot of weight on those hidden or covert behaviors.), I do see its benefit and I can find a myriad of A-B-C situations in my daily life. A-B-Cs are Antecedents (a preceding circumstance that may be influencing a behavior), Behaviors (the actions that people take), and Consequences (the resulting circumstance that rewards or punishes the behavior). For example: I am driving my car to work, but I am late (antecedent). I run a red light (behavior). A cop pulls me over and gives me a ticket (consequence). I am more likely to NOT run red lights in the future because of this occurrence. Now, here's what has me so confounded and baffled:

How is it possible that the peers I've worked with have this knowledge, yet only apply it when dealing with the populations we have served, but, do not apply it in other aspects of their lives? For example, if I tell you what I am going to do, then you can call me out on it if I do not follow through, right? Okay. This is (to put it simply), what is known as "rule governed behavior". A behavior that is governed by the statement of a rule. I find this to be very helpful in two ways:
       1. It holds me accountable to what I say I am going to do.
      2. It lets the person/people involved know what I am doing, so that there is no question as to what my actions should be/will be.

Neat, right? Okay, so I tend to do this A LOT. (No kidding, ask my kids!) So, I will provide almost a litany of what I am doing in any given time period, so that folks are aware what my intentions are. Be it the next five minutes, when I am planning on "taking a shower, brushing my hair, getting dressed" or the next hour, when I am planning on "running to the store, buying some milk, and stopping to get gas". I think having children has really formulated this behavior for me, as I am the type of parent that never found springing events on my kids beneficial. I am a true believer in structure for raising children (and adults!). My point is, however, that I feel this works (and no one has yet told me it hasn't, so I will take that as a "reward" for my behavior), and I practice it often and liberally. At work. At home. In the car. Strolling down the street, you name it. It takes the surprise out of what is going on, which is also fine by me, as I don't really like surprises. I also, though, think it helps put people at ease - although, I'm sure that most folks that know me well, have found I'm rather predictable at this point. But, I had a point to make regarding this. The fact that people who have learned this as well do not utilize it in their daily lives. I think, for the older generations, this was also commonly known as "keeping one's word". It amounts to the same thing, I believe. Your actions match the words that you have said.

Now, this is frustrating mostly when it comes to workplace practices and procedures: if you are not following through with what you say consistently, with everyone, then your actions take on a "preferential" form. In other words, if you only follow through on some things with certain people, then other people may begin to view your behavior as being preferential or not. I have observed this time and time again, in many places I have worked at. Some people end up gossiping about others because it appears a supervisor may be having a dalliance with a co-worker and suddenly, that co-worker receives a promotion. Why would anyone think this is the case? Because, the actions of the supervisor did not match the "rule" that was stated. So, one employee gets "special treatment", while another one does not.

What does this matter, you wonder?

Well, I think it matters in many areas of life, but the main one being in your professional life. If you have some people in your life, such as family and friends, who you have rules with, that's fine. You have the right to treat some people better than others, particularly in your private circles. So, even if you believe that you should "treat others as you want to be treated", you may only apply that rule to your interactions with close friends and family, but not with the guy down the block who stole your car radio two years ago and now wants to be best friends. That's cool. Now, in the workplace, however, I think there needs to be a higher standard set. I can't tell you the number of times I've seen people get applauded for doing their job (in other words, nothing special), while another gets overlooked or even reprimanded for doing the same job. (I then wonder, is it their personality? Was it the execution? Not sure.) But then, I look at the relationship between the one being lauded and applauded and the one doing the lauding. Usually, they are good friends. Whereas, the one being overlooked or reprimanded is not included in this love fest.

But, Lisa, you say, that's "just the way it is"!

Well, sure. People have the right to decide who they like, who they don't like, who they are friends with, and who they hang out with. However, I think that in a professional setting, some of those "rights" are not applicable. This is about equity going hand-in-hand with professionalism.

Bi-racial AND Hispanic: how do I find love?

     Being a bi-racial Hispanic has not been easy on my love life. I know what I don't want. Question is: can I find what I do want: someone like me. I grew up in a Cuban household, attended an all-White (mostly Dutch) school and lived in a Black neighborhood. I had all facets of my ethnicities and culture- both Hispanic and American. So what's my trouble? I am none of those things individually, but rather a combination of all 3 in 1. Maybe it would be easier if I were just bi-racial, without the addition of having a Hispanic background. Or if I were a straight white or black Hispanic, rather than both. Either way, it has been difficult to find someone with the same cultural diversity as myself.
     My latest dating experience was with a Caucasian male, with absolutely no experience of Hispanics nor anyone bi-racial or other than White. We shared similar political and religious views and are both intelligent, but that's where the similarities ended. How much does culture factor into my search for the perfect partner for me? Apparently, a lot. :-/ Needless to say, with all that we had in common, our differences were quite stark. Is there anyone out there that can relate to what I'm talking about?
     Here's another example: while living in FL, I dated a "balsero". A Cuban who had come to this country in '94 on a raft. We got along pretty well except there were some gaps in communication. Why, you ask? Well he was extremely Cuban-so much so that he considered me not fully Cuban, because I had been born and raised in the States. We had a few arguments. Most of them centered on language differences. I understood almost all of what he said, but there were times I would get frustrated because he wouldn't even attempt to learn or speak English, even though he had been in this country for 10+ years. Also, (and this I didn't mind too much, but I did note the differences) he was very "juagiro". I was okay with it but I also know (thanks to my American cultural experience) that there is a time and place for everything. That in some social interactions, you can't always act like a "country bumpkin" or the Cuban equivalent of a "Redneck". Now, from my understanding, this is a part of the newer Cuban culture that has morphed during Castro's reign. I can tell you that my parents, having left the island when Castro had just come into power, are culturally quite more sophisticated. They are "old school" Cubans, and that is how they raised me.
     So, that adds another layer to my issue. The fact that whomever I find for me, must also understand that aspect of me. I am not a feminist, nor am I submissive; however, I do believe that men and women have roles they fulfill. Yet, I am also educated enough and highly aware that sometimes these traditional roles are not what is best. I believe that these roles can be shared by both genders and that we do not have to limited to our gender roles. But rather, can supplement our current gender role with that of the opposite gender. For example, I believe a woman, especially a mother, should handle the children, the household cleaning, cooking, and such. The man, particularly a father, handles the garbage, vehicles, house maintenance, and such. Does this mean I do not take care of house maintenance, my vehicle,  or taking out the garbage? Absolutely not- I can perform many of the typically "male" tasks. And anyone I eventually pair up with will hopefully not mind cleaning and cooking every so often. I guess my view is more of the traditional roles but with an androgynous twist. ;)
     So, here I am: continuing on my journey to find my "media naranja", "mi principe azul" , "mi media mitad" , etc, etc, etc. I don't want perfection. I want perfect FOR ME. I don't even mind some of the flaws, as long as I can UNDERSTAND them. And if those flaws are generated from a shared Cuban-cultural experience and upbringing, then so much the better. If mi pareja knows that I have had struggles, not just because I'm Cuban, but also because I am bi-racial, and because I am a woman; then so much the better. And, if while we are attempting to get to know each other,  he can sing "Sana, sana, culito de rana. Si no sana hoy, qué sana mañana." Then that is a huge bonus in my book! ;)

Choices

Why do you make me choose

Other avenues

When all I want in all the world

Is you?





Why do you force my hand?

I cannot make a stand

Against your walls of apathy

So grand.





I do not want another

But can't move any further

When all I see in my mind's eye

Is no other.





Why do you make me choose?

What do you have to lose?

See the love deep within me

It's no ruse.

My Friend

As I traveled along the road one day,

I saw a friend along the way

Shoulders bowed,

And head hung low,

I wondered why he walked so slow.

“Why did he go?” I heard him say,

And shake his head in deep dismay.

Tears that fell

On cheeks so pale,

I asked him “Friend, are you not well?”

He did not answer me, not at all

As he stopped to lean against a wall

Dropping down,

To sit on the ground

Loudly, I heard him moan.

“Lord, why did you take my friend from me?

Like a brother, he was as family.”

So I approached,

And lightly spoke,

“Friend, be well, I am not gone.”

Alas, I knew he heard me not,

For I had moved on, though not forgot.

Remember me,

For I’ll always be

Your brother, your friend.

For all eternity. 

Carefree or Predictable? That is the question

The Hidden Truths of Me
No one quite understands me
There is a complexity
A unique individuality
That they just cannot perceive

Each day is a masquerade
A fragile mask of "happy"
Slightly strained, a little tacky
I am always so afraid

But no one chose to see past;
Their claims of "we care" were vain
Smiles and hugs were feigned
Their ruse they could not make last

I desire to be complete
My heart to know affection
Not this imperfection
Hiding behind false conceit


I originally wrote a poem similar to this when I was in high school. I have updated it as my vocabulary is more extensive then it was back then. The poem expresses the disconnect I felt then with my peers and still feel at times today, especially when dealing with matters of the heart. Who to trust? Who to believe? Who is willing to get to know the "real me"?

I find when dating or getting to know someone new for the first time, that the glamour wears off quite quickly. Usually within the first 2-3 months. They seem to stop trying so hard. Whereas before they texted/called daily; after a couple of months, they no longer feel the need to do so. Dates together become more infrequent or the other person now doesn't put forth as much effort as they did when it comes to planning and executing things to do together.

I've considered the fact that maybe I'm just an absolute bore. But then I look at some of my friends that have been together for years and didn't seem to go through that period. One thing I noticed is that the male in the relationship is usually a goal-oriented, and detail-oriented person. Usually someone that is accustomed to setting tasks for themselves, following through, and completing them.

Then, I re-evaluated the guys I have dated - and realized the one thing they all had in common - they were slackers. Yup...no goal setting here! Rather, they were what I lovingly like to call "spontaneous" and "care-free"...but what psychologists and psychiatrists would much rather call "ADHD". So, I have determined my problem: leave the spontaneity behind and let the nice, predictable guy finish...finally! ;)