Carefree or Predictable? That is the question

The Hidden Truths of Me
No one quite understands me
There is a complexity
A unique individuality
That they just cannot perceive

Each day is a masquerade
A fragile mask of "happy"
Slightly strained, a little tacky
I am always so afraid

But no one chose to see past;
Their claims of "we care" were vain
Smiles and hugs were feigned
Their ruse they could not make last

I desire to be complete
My heart to know affection
Not this imperfection
Hiding behind false conceit


I originally wrote a poem similar to this when I was in high school. I have updated it as my vocabulary is more extensive then it was back then. The poem expresses the disconnect I felt then with my peers and still feel at times today, especially when dealing with matters of the heart. Who to trust? Who to believe? Who is willing to get to know the "real me"?

I find when dating or getting to know someone new for the first time, that the glamour wears off quite quickly. Usually within the first 2-3 months. They seem to stop trying so hard. Whereas before they texted/called daily; after a couple of months, they no longer feel the need to do so. Dates together become more infrequent or the other person now doesn't put forth as much effort as they did when it comes to planning and executing things to do together.

I've considered the fact that maybe I'm just an absolute bore. But then I look at some of my friends that have been together for years and didn't seem to go through that period. One thing I noticed is that the male in the relationship is usually a goal-oriented, and detail-oriented person. Usually someone that is accustomed to setting tasks for themselves, following through, and completing them.

Then, I re-evaluated the guys I have dated - and realized the one thing they all had in common - they were slackers. Yup...no goal setting here! Rather, they were what I lovingly like to call "spontaneous" and "care-free"...but what psychologists and psychiatrists would much rather call "ADHD". So, I have determined my problem: leave the spontaneity behind and let the nice, predictable guy finish...finally! ;)