5 Reasons Why Dating At 40 Is Difficult

I just turned 40 years old last November. However, I look in the mirror and, aside from the stray gray hairs and laugh lines (much nicer to say than "wrinkles") around my eyes and mouth, I still look much the same as I did when I was in my early 20's.

Me at 40yo

Me at 25yo

I have been divorced now for over 15 years and have tried dating off and on for about 10 years. I even managed to have one long term relationship during that time that lasted 5 years.

But.....

Dating is hard! Here are my top 5 reasons why dating is difficult at 40. 

1. At 40 years old, most days you just don't give a shit. Now that's not to say that I don't care about what I look like or how I dress. What I mean by that is that I'm not as uptight as I used to be. Do I still wear makeup? Sometimes. If I do, it's usually only a bit of blush and some lip gloss. At 25 years old (as you can see from the picture above), I usually had a full mask on - foundation, blush, eyeliner, shadow, mascara, lipstick. Nowadays? Not so much. And, if I happen to go to the store in pajama pants and a t-shirt? Well, that's okay. I don't feel the need to have to impress anyone anymore. 

2. At 40 years old, your expectations are very different. When I was younger, I had a long list of what I expected from a young man. What I have figured out since then is that I am content with my situation, even if I am not part of a couple, which means my expectations on a date are different than what they used to be. When one is young and dating, you are thinking "future". Is he "the one"? How will he treat our children? Can he be a good step dad? Is he a workaholic or lazy or something in between? So, it's not so much my expectations of HIM that have changed, but rather, the expectations I have for MYSELF. If I have a car, why do I need a guy that has one? If I have been a good parent to my children, why do I need a step-parent to mix it up? I can't have kids anymore, so that's a null issue. So, it's not that my desire to be part of a couple is any different, but rather that I don't NEED to be part of a couple. I'm okay with who I am and with being alone. 

3. Men who age gracefully versus not so gracefully. Okay, this one is a bit...vain. I occasionally go on some online dating websites to see what is out there. I am also a person that, although I am okay with being older and having some grays and laugh lines, I do want to age gracefully. So, I will admit that I still dye my hair (which I've been doing since I was in my 20's), and cut it in a more "youthful" fashion. What I'm disappointed in is the pool of available men around my age, or a little bit older, that look like my father (who is 85 years old this year). I'm not saying that you have to look 30 if you are 40 or 45, but, why rush to look 70, if you are only 40? 

4. At 40 years old, some people are still in their first marriages. Yes, I married quite young. I had my children quite young (I had my first daughter when I was only a tender 18 years old). When I moved back to Michigan 8 years ago and met up with all my old friends from school, I was one of maybe 3 or 4 other women who had had children around the same time. I was also one of the only ones divorced. So, most of the men that I knew growing up were all attached with small children and families. Most of my female friends also had spouses and small children. Here I was, a "young" divorcee, with teenage children (almost young adults). The prospective pool of potential suitors is narrow, at best. And, if you read number 3 above, you have probably figured out that I don't really go for the "much older" man. 

5. At 40 years old, what do you talk about on a first date? This is the main reason why I don't date. I've been on plenty of dates before and they all begin the same: what's your name? What do you do? Where did you go to school? Do you read? Do you like the outdoors? Do you have any pets? This is all well and good, but after 10 dates, each one then begins to feel too much like a job interview. I've joked with friends that I was going to start making applications which I would then have the perspective partner fill out, just to get over all the same questions that everybody always asks. Either way, the repetition is tedious, and if you find you like the other person and you hang in there for 3 months or so, but it doesn't work out...well, back to the drawing board! To find another, to ask the same questions all over again....sigh. My Dating Ground Hog Day! 

Happy Hunting - I mean, Dating! 

Bi-racial AND Hispanic: how do I find love?

     Being a bi-racial Hispanic has not been easy on my love life. I know what I don't want. Question is: can I find what I do want: someone like me. I grew up in a Cuban household, attended an all-White (mostly Dutch) school and lived in a Black neighborhood. I had all facets of my ethnicities and culture- both Hispanic and American. So what's my trouble? I am none of those things individually, but rather a combination of all 3 in 1. Maybe it would be easier if I were just bi-racial, without the addition of having a Hispanic background. Or if I were a straight white or black Hispanic, rather than both. Either way, it has been difficult to find someone with the same cultural diversity as myself.
     My latest dating experience was with a Caucasian male, with absolutely no experience of Hispanics nor anyone bi-racial or other than White. We shared similar political and religious views and are both intelligent, but that's where the similarities ended. How much does culture factor into my search for the perfect partner for me? Apparently, a lot. :-/ Needless to say, with all that we had in common, our differences were quite stark. Is there anyone out there that can relate to what I'm talking about?
     Here's another example: while living in FL, I dated a "balsero". A Cuban who had come to this country in '94 on a raft. We got along pretty well except there were some gaps in communication. Why, you ask? Well he was extremely Cuban-so much so that he considered me not fully Cuban, because I had been born and raised in the States. We had a few arguments. Most of them centered on language differences. I understood almost all of what he said, but there were times I would get frustrated because he wouldn't even attempt to learn or speak English, even though he had been in this country for 10+ years. Also, (and this I didn't mind too much, but I did note the differences) he was very "juagiro". I was okay with it but I also know (thanks to my American cultural experience) that there is a time and place for everything. That in some social interactions, you can't always act like a "country bumpkin" or the Cuban equivalent of a "Redneck". Now, from my understanding, this is a part of the newer Cuban culture that has morphed during Castro's reign. I can tell you that my parents, having left the island when Castro had just come into power, are culturally quite more sophisticated. They are "old school" Cubans, and that is how they raised me.
     So, that adds another layer to my issue. The fact that whomever I find for me, must also understand that aspect of me. I am not a feminist, nor am I submissive; however, I do believe that men and women have roles they fulfill. Yet, I am also educated enough and highly aware that sometimes these traditional roles are not what is best. I believe that these roles can be shared by both genders and that we do not have to limited to our gender roles. But rather, can supplement our current gender role with that of the opposite gender. For example, I believe a woman, especially a mother, should handle the children, the household cleaning, cooking, and such. The man, particularly a father, handles the garbage, vehicles, house maintenance, and such. Does this mean I do not take care of house maintenance, my vehicle,  or taking out the garbage? Absolutely not- I can perform many of the typically "male" tasks. And anyone I eventually pair up with will hopefully not mind cleaning and cooking every so often. I guess my view is more of the traditional roles but with an androgynous twist. ;)
     So, here I am: continuing on my journey to find my "media naranja", "mi principe azul" , "mi media mitad" , etc, etc, etc. I don't want perfection. I want perfect FOR ME. I don't even mind some of the flaws, as long as I can UNDERSTAND them. And if those flaws are generated from a shared Cuban-cultural experience and upbringing, then so much the better. If mi pareja knows that I have had struggles, not just because I'm Cuban, but also because I am bi-racial, and because I am a woman; then so much the better. And, if while we are attempting to get to know each other,  he can sing "Sana, sana, culito de rana. Si no sana hoy, qué sana mañana." Then that is a huge bonus in my book! ;)

Carefree or Predictable? That is the question

The Hidden Truths of Me
No one quite understands me
There is a complexity
A unique individuality
That they just cannot perceive

Each day is a masquerade
A fragile mask of "happy"
Slightly strained, a little tacky
I am always so afraid

But no one chose to see past;
Their claims of "we care" were vain
Smiles and hugs were feigned
Their ruse they could not make last

I desire to be complete
My heart to know affection
Not this imperfection
Hiding behind false conceit


I originally wrote a poem similar to this when I was in high school. I have updated it as my vocabulary is more extensive then it was back then. The poem expresses the disconnect I felt then with my peers and still feel at times today, especially when dealing with matters of the heart. Who to trust? Who to believe? Who is willing to get to know the "real me"?

I find when dating or getting to know someone new for the first time, that the glamour wears off quite quickly. Usually within the first 2-3 months. They seem to stop trying so hard. Whereas before they texted/called daily; after a couple of months, they no longer feel the need to do so. Dates together become more infrequent or the other person now doesn't put forth as much effort as they did when it comes to planning and executing things to do together.

I've considered the fact that maybe I'm just an absolute bore. But then I look at some of my friends that have been together for years and didn't seem to go through that period. One thing I noticed is that the male in the relationship is usually a goal-oriented, and detail-oriented person. Usually someone that is accustomed to setting tasks for themselves, following through, and completing them.

Then, I re-evaluated the guys I have dated - and realized the one thing they all had in common - they were slackers. Yup...no goal setting here! Rather, they were what I lovingly like to call "spontaneous" and "care-free"...but what psychologists and psychiatrists would much rather call "ADHD". So, I have determined my problem: leave the spontaneity behind and let the nice, predictable guy finish...finally! ;)

The Girl You Throw Away

She sits outside your window
Waiting on the bus
You sent her on her way
'Cuz you knew you'd had enough

You said the words she wanted to hear
For a month or two
You told the girl you loved her
But you knew it wasn't true

You loved her for a minute
But your heart just wasn't in it
There was nothing left to say
She's the girl you throw away

Now she's crying on a park bench
Her heart is on the floor
You used what she gave you 
But you really wanted more

She cooked and cleaned and waited
Whatever you would need
Picked up all your dirty shit
But she couldn't plant the seed

You loved her for a minute
But your heart just wasn't in it
There was nothing left to say
She's the girl you throw away

So you've moved on to the next one
The fresh face in the street
The one you really wanted
The girl you're gonna keep

'Cuz you've already forgotten
The one you threw away
Crying on that park bench
Nope...nothing left to say

You loved me for a minute
But your heart just wasn't in it
There was nothing left to say
I'm the girl you threw away