5 Reasons Why Dating At 40 Is Difficult

I just turned 40 years old last November. However, I look in the mirror and, aside from the stray gray hairs and laugh lines (much nicer to say than "wrinkles") around my eyes and mouth, I still look much the same as I did when I was in my early 20's.

Me at 40yo

Me at 25yo

I have been divorced now for over 15 years and have tried dating off and on for about 10 years. I even managed to have one long term relationship during that time that lasted 5 years.

But.....

Dating is hard! Here are my top 5 reasons why dating is difficult at 40. 

1. At 40 years old, most days you just don't give a shit. Now that's not to say that I don't care about what I look like or how I dress. What I mean by that is that I'm not as uptight as I used to be. Do I still wear makeup? Sometimes. If I do, it's usually only a bit of blush and some lip gloss. At 25 years old (as you can see from the picture above), I usually had a full mask on - foundation, blush, eyeliner, shadow, mascara, lipstick. Nowadays? Not so much. And, if I happen to go to the store in pajama pants and a t-shirt? Well, that's okay. I don't feel the need to have to impress anyone anymore. 

2. At 40 years old, your expectations are very different. When I was younger, I had a long list of what I expected from a young man. What I have figured out since then is that I am content with my situation, even if I am not part of a couple, which means my expectations on a date are different than what they used to be. When one is young and dating, you are thinking "future". Is he "the one"? How will he treat our children? Can he be a good step dad? Is he a workaholic or lazy or something in between? So, it's not so much my expectations of HIM that have changed, but rather, the expectations I have for MYSELF. If I have a car, why do I need a guy that has one? If I have been a good parent to my children, why do I need a step-parent to mix it up? I can't have kids anymore, so that's a null issue. So, it's not that my desire to be part of a couple is any different, but rather that I don't NEED to be part of a couple. I'm okay with who I am and with being alone. 

3. Men who age gracefully versus not so gracefully. Okay, this one is a bit...vain. I occasionally go on some online dating websites to see what is out there. I am also a person that, although I am okay with being older and having some grays and laugh lines, I do want to age gracefully. So, I will admit that I still dye my hair (which I've been doing since I was in my 20's), and cut it in a more "youthful" fashion. What I'm disappointed in is the pool of available men around my age, or a little bit older, that look like my father (who is 85 years old this year). I'm not saying that you have to look 30 if you are 40 or 45, but, why rush to look 70, if you are only 40? 

4. At 40 years old, some people are still in their first marriages. Yes, I married quite young. I had my children quite young (I had my first daughter when I was only a tender 18 years old). When I moved back to Michigan 8 years ago and met up with all my old friends from school, I was one of maybe 3 or 4 other women who had had children around the same time. I was also one of the only ones divorced. So, most of the men that I knew growing up were all attached with small children and families. Most of my female friends also had spouses and small children. Here I was, a "young" divorcee, with teenage children (almost young adults). The prospective pool of potential suitors is narrow, at best. And, if you read number 3 above, you have probably figured out that I don't really go for the "much older" man. 

5. At 40 years old, what do you talk about on a first date? This is the main reason why I don't date. I've been on plenty of dates before and they all begin the same: what's your name? What do you do? Where did you go to school? Do you read? Do you like the outdoors? Do you have any pets? This is all well and good, but after 10 dates, each one then begins to feel too much like a job interview. I've joked with friends that I was going to start making applications which I would then have the perspective partner fill out, just to get over all the same questions that everybody always asks. Either way, the repetition is tedious, and if you find you like the other person and you hang in there for 3 months or so, but it doesn't work out...well, back to the drawing board! To find another, to ask the same questions all over again....sigh. My Dating Ground Hog Day! 

Happy Hunting - I mean, Dating! 

Picture Activity Schedules Aren't Just for Kids With Autism

When I was only 25 years old, I was a young, divorced mother of three beautiful girls, attempting to manage my own home, career, and life. My kids were my life (and they still are), but at the time, it was straight HELL trying to manage all the multiple issues of life, work, and parenting that come with having a young family.  For the most part, I didn't do too horribly (a quick survey of my children will either corroborate or contest that), and at that time, I had some "tricks and tips" that I came up with to help manage my busy life and busy schedule.

My girls and I in 1999

This past year, in my college classes, I participated in an Honors Thesis program for the Psychology department. During two full semesters, I was paired with a wonderful mentor, Jenny Ward, who was working on a project regarding children with autism and picture activity schedules. 

Jenny and I

What the heck are picture activity schedules and what the heck does that have to do with your kids, Lisa?

Well, it's funny you should ask. Picture activity schedules are graphic representations of different steps in an activity that help a child with autism perform that activity with little to no prompting. The great thing about picture activity schedules is that you do not need to have autism to use them, and, unbeknownst to me, when I was a young 25 year old mother of three, I created and used a version of picture activity schedules with my own children, without realizing that is what they were. 

Here's how it went down: I began using them around 1999. I had a 7 year old, a 5 year old, and a 4 year old. I worked a (more than) full time job, which typically had me working from home, even after I had finished my day at the office. Every week day morning, I would get up at approximately 4:30 am to get my children's clothes ready for the day and get myself ready. By 6:45 am, everyone had to dressed, washed, teeth brushed, hair combed, and waiting by the door with bags and lunches, to get where we needed to be on time. Wow! I'm sure you are exclaiming. That's really early! Yes, yes, it was. Thankfully, I was a very energetic 25 year old and could get up that early without too many aches and pains. However, it did not seem very logical to me to get up so early, only to turn around and go to bed by midnight, sleep four and a half hours, wake and do it all again. Besides, it was extremely tedious and eventually grew very exhausting. So, what did I do? I created picture activity schedules for my children.

Here is a sample of what one looked like: 

Tooth brushing Picture Activity Schedule

I had something similar to this posted in the bathroom. There was another one for getting dressed in their bedrooms, along with one for making the bed. 

These little posters were such time savers for me and my girls. If they had any question as to what they needed to do, I directed them to the posters littered throughout the house. 

Now, these are different from the picture activity schedules used with children with autism today. As many of these children, especially the more severe cases, have trouble reading, writing, and even speaking, the picture activity schedules they use are typically only pictures, with little to no words written on them. Such as this sample here: 

Picture Activity Schedule for a boy with autism - tooth brushing

But, my point is that it works in much the same fashion. 

For me, these things were a lifesaver. Rather than have to explain to my children every 5 minutes what I needed them to do, I would say "what does the tooth brushing picture say?". Even the two younger ones were able to, if not read what was written, then at least reference the picture and deduce that it was time to brush their teeth. 

I must have been doing something right, when it came to those rough mornings, because my kids are all still alive and kicking, and one of them even made me a grandmother! 

My girls and I in 2012

My beautiful grandbaby :)